Monday, December 20, 2010

How Mrs. Claus Saved Christmas

Preface: I was wrapping presents and and Liz asked me if I was going to start playing elf.
"Of course," I said. "I'd ehem... love to play elf. What kind of toys would you like?"
"The naughty kind." She said, in a wicked tone.
In keeping with the sheer randomness that this blog is I couldn't help but to report on such an odd event which reminded me of a story from the dirty dirty 1970's handed down by my Uncle Grabinov...

Photo By Toychristina

You probably haven't heard this story, but back in the 1970's the North Pole fell on hard times. Toys were full of lead, plush toys were packed with asbestos and we won't mention the Great Elf Strike of 1972.

Santa was on the verge of nervous breakdown. The chapter 11 paperwork was being prepared and Christmas as we know it was going to shut down indefinitely... or until an American bailout was proposed.

To make extra money on the side, Mrs. Claus (an avid adult entertainment and toy enthusiast) started her own factory (in the South Pole mind you) to produce a wide and endless variety of toys and novelty items for adults. Elves volunteered for the open positions in droves forcing PamAm to start daily flights to the South Pole. The Elven response was overwhelming.

Desperate for operating capitol, Mrs. Claus sold Santa and hers Florida home in Boca Raton for a whopping $3.24 Million, affording her the cash for the first adult elf payroll and a world wide direct mailing campaign. Within 2 months of producing the catalogue, Mrs. Claus brought in a staggering $159 Million in new orders. By Christmas of 1975 she produced enough money to sustain normal Christmas operation's for the next twenty years.

Needless to say, the industry has grown since the seventies, but Mrs. Claus continues to quietly fund Christmas as we know it with her factory in the South Pole. To preserve the sanctity of commercial Christmas shopping, most of Mrs. Claus' pimpness is kept under wraps. So say a little prayer to thank Mrs. Claus and be sure to leave a small naughty trinket out because Santa is required to pick them up for her as repayment when he snatches his cookies.

So now you know how Mrs. Clause saved Christmas.

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