Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Text Sext Party

We're trying to figure out where the texts go when they fly out into the atmosphere and don't seem to make it to their destination for hours or even days later. With a little investigation we found the answer!

We immediately figured that the texts are going to a party. Probably something sultry and suggestive, yet fun and bubbly. I mean why not right? What else could they possibly be doing? Imagine a place where all your texts filter through. It's like Grand Central Station for texts. Everyone has to go through there so obviously you're going to make friends and from there probably learn about all the hot spots. So we're pretty sure that the texts find out about some place where the spanking sexts are hanging out or the where the barely legal party pics are having a get together and poof! Off your text goes for a few hours, or even a steamy night away, not to be delivered to your phone until they get their fill in the nether regions of cyberspace.

So next time your text, sext, or text pic doesn't make it directly to the person you sent it to, you now know that it probably took a detour at Jane Doe's sleepover party complete with naked feather pillow fight before it got to where it's going. So make sure you clean your phone when you get late texts and for good health you probably want to wash your hands as well.

Monday, December 20, 2010

How Mrs. Claus Saved Christmas

Preface: I was wrapping presents and and Liz asked me if I was going to start playing elf.
"Of course," I said. "I'd ehem... love to play elf. What kind of toys would you like?"
"The naughty kind." She said, in a wicked tone.
In keeping with the sheer randomness that this blog is I couldn't help but to report on such an odd event which reminded me of a story from the dirty dirty 1970's handed down by my Uncle Grabinov...

Photo By Toychristina

You probably haven't heard this story, but back in the 1970's the North Pole fell on hard times. Toys were full of lead, plush toys were packed with asbestos and we won't mention the Great Elf Strike of 1972.

Santa was on the verge of nervous breakdown. The chapter 11 paperwork was being prepared and Christmas as we know it was going to shut down indefinitely... or until an American bailout was proposed.

To make extra money on the side, Mrs. Claus (an avid adult entertainment and toy enthusiast) started her own factory (in the South Pole mind you) to produce a wide and endless variety of toys and novelty items for adults. Elves volunteered for the open positions in droves forcing PamAm to start daily flights to the South Pole. The Elven response was overwhelming.

Desperate for operating capitol, Mrs. Claus sold Santa and hers Florida home in Boca Raton for a whopping $3.24 Million, affording her the cash for the first adult elf payroll and a world wide direct mailing campaign. Within 2 months of producing the catalogue, Mrs. Claus brought in a staggering $159 Million in new orders. By Christmas of 1975 she produced enough money to sustain normal Christmas operation's for the next twenty years.

Needless to say, the industry has grown since the seventies, but Mrs. Claus continues to quietly fund Christmas as we know it with her factory in the South Pole. To preserve the sanctity of commercial Christmas shopping, most of Mrs. Claus' pimpness is kept under wraps. So say a little prayer to thank Mrs. Claus and be sure to leave a small naughty trinket out because Santa is required to pick them up for her as repayment when he snatches his cookies.

So now you know how Mrs. Clause saved Christmas.